News ratings in figs . . .

Please prove me wrong:

Okay, so the news media has basically assumed that anybody cares or believes anything at all about the following: news that they made up and want us to give a fig about. I give them my own rating, in figs, (trying to keep it fair—apples to apples) as follows . . .

• That Iowa has any relevance whatsoever to the final outcome of who is to be our next president, or that anybody not in the news business cares about what happens in Iowa. -1 fig
• That the capture of Mexico’s much hated/loved El Chapo Gúzman (accent on the gringo ‘u’, sorry) has anything at all to do with the amount of drugs sold in this country. -2 figs
• That somebody with IQ above the single digits is actually going to watch a made for TV miniseries of O.J.Simpson’s trial. -3 figs
• That flying a B-52 bomber above the new islands created in the South China seas to supposedly show the Chinese that we mean bid’ness, has them shaking in their imitation government-issue Gucci military sandals. -4 figs
• That Japan has done so much testing and ‘scientific’ studies on whales by killing them year in, year out, that one day somebody will arrive at one single solitary scientific datum learned with this method of study. Note: Datum on the unexplained decline of the whale population will not count. No figs on this one. (Figs are not given for sad news, just fake news made up by the news media.)
• That the price of oil went down, no, uno momento, just in, up, no, no really, down, wait, wait . . . never mind. -5 figs.
• That Cuco the Penguin will one day be a mayor Disney animation film, or maybe a blockbuster directed by Quentin Tarantino, which would no doubt be bloodier, heads will definitely roll, but hey, everybody wants to see Cuco one way or another. +10 figs. (I’m trying to be unbiased here).

mt